There comes a point in time when you have to make a decision. And I am horrible with decisions. Like really, really bad at making decisions. At least short term and some long term. But I have made some decisions for the rest of my life.
From now on I will take care of myself first and foremost. After I am right with myself, I can do what I do best and help others.
I will eat healthier foods and play more often.
I will do whatever feels right, even if it's wrong.
I will connect with those I don't talk to anymore and rebuild the burned bridges.
This is the year I will find my soulmate, so I will never be truly alone.

It's only start, but I think a good one. There's so much I want to do with my life, I honestly can't see or predict what's going to happen in the future. My card are constantly changing for the better as I pay attention to the songs of the earth to tell me what i need to do next. First things first. I want to have the book ready to be published by my 23rd birthday. Then I'll work at King's Island for the summer. Then in the fall, I'm going to move to Arizona, meet my soulmate and finally fall in love. Thats the plan. This is the Return of Holly. Look out world, here i come.

So apparently OkCupid knows something that i don't, or is just fucked up. I logged on today and looked at my quiver, to see three girls on the page and the one at the top was one of my very lovely sisters. I guess if we were both gay, we'd be really compatible.

so yeah OkCupid thinks I'm gay

Ewan’s father, Patrick, went to the mainland to barter goods and returned with many fine things for his family including a new set of tack for me that could be expanded as my horse grew. A fortnight after his return, he fell ill with an unknown disease. Everyone practiced in medicine was called to his side to try and cure him. While physicians toiled away to find a cure, Patrick declined steadily. When a potential cure was finally found it was too late, his body had wasted away and nothing could have saved him. Three days after his passing, another person became ill. She lived on the other side of the island but the sickness seemed to affect her the same as Patrick. The supposed cure didn’t work though and she succumbed to the illness faster than Patrick had. After a week twenty more people had either caught the illness or died from it, each a little faster ad easier than the one before. The scare of an epidemic swept across the Island forcing families to seek refuge inside their homes, quarantining themselves indefinitely.
Only once I managed to slip off to see Ewan without my parents noticing. When I saw him, he was barely recognizable. He was sad, but more than that he was hard. Since his father had passed he had been forced to assume the role of man of the household and his mother had been inconsolable. He had shut down completely, no emotion except sadness crossed his face. We went to sit in his barn that evening while he said little and I said even less. I was content to sit there and occasionally put an arm around his shoulders, as he seemed to take some small comfort in that tiny gesture from a ten-year-old girl to her best, and only, friend.
Finally he said, quietly, ”You should go back home.”
I nodded in agreement, but part of me demanded to speak. “Everything will work out, you’ll see,” I managed to blurt out before turning to run back home.
My parents had realized I had gone and to where and forbade me to leave again without their permission. It was never granted but neither did I heed their instruction. Nearly four months had passed since Patrick had first taken ill and over a hundred citizens of the Island had fallen to the disease. No one knew what it was and it seemed like we would never know. The Island’s community ceased to exist, its people stopped living. The morning my life turn around started as any other had. The sun rose neatly over the small hills to the east and I woke as soon as the sun lit my face through the window. I walked down the hall, listening for the usual sounds of morning, but there was only quiet. I went to my parents’ room to ask what was happening. When I came through their door, my mother was lying in bed and my father sat on the edge next to her.
I had never seen my mother still in bed when I had finally rose from bed; it terrified me and I knew exactly what it meant. I left the house still in my night things, crossed the lawn to the barn, walked over to Clover’s stall and prepared her for riding. After only a few minutes I found myself in the saddle, heading for the southern coast. I was lost in my mind as I let Clover guide us to the sea. I only broke from my thoughts when we were still. I found myself looking out over the cliffs to the west of the port. The southern area of the Island was not as densely inhabited as the rest so of the four ports on the Island this one was least used, since most of our travels off the island took us to the north towards the mainland. I was surprised by what I saw below me.
Ships, several of them, heading straight for shore. They were like no ship I had ever seen, sleek, black and menacing with dingy sails, flying flags I had never seen that weren’t associated with the Island or mainland. My stomach turned as the ships crept farther and farther through the bright colored waters. I didn’t know what they were doing but I knew it wasn’t good.
Hurriedly I turned Clover back down the road toward home. I dashed through the front door a few hours later as the sun slowly sank through the sky. I had hoped to see my parents sitting at the kitchen table, my mother cooking food while my father helped, but they weren’t in sight. The rooms were dusty, the air stagnant, no one had moved through them all day. I still hoped they were ok even as I knew they were not. They were both lying in bed when I reached their room; I knew it would not be long before the disease claimed them as it had claimed so many others. The tears I had bravely held back all day ruptured from behind the barrier I had struggled to erect. I slowly slid down the doorframe to the floor, tucked my knees to my chest, and sat sobbing while my mother and father watched helplessly. I cried until my eyes ran dry and I fell asleep.
I woke a few hours before dawn when I heard a knock on the front door. My still body refused to get up, but I managed to force myself to answer the knocks that increased in intensity and duration. When I opened the door I saw a man standing there. He seemed uneasy that a child had been the one to answer, but it was obvious he was in a hurry.
“I’m sorry to be bothering you miss, but I must inform every household that the Island is under attack. Invaders docked on the south port of the Island and are heading through every town either killing or capturing everyone in their path. It must be war of some kind. Ships are heading for the rest of the Island to get as many people off as possible and one should be around this side by dawn. You need to get there as soon as possible.” He finally stopped his speech, no doubt anticipating a look of shock or panic. He saw neither. I simply nodded in assent as he turned to go to the next house. I had seen those invaders the day before and understood what it meant. I would die; it was inevitable.
There was no chance for me to board the ship; I simply didn’t have the money. Somehow I understood, even at my tender age, that only those who had the most to offer would be the ones to escape with their lives. I decided to stay, to stay for my parents and wait out my fate. They were declining rapidly now, sweating and shivering with fever. I sat against the wall opposite their bed and watched and waited as each hour ticked by and dawn appeared on the horizon. The ship would have been there by now and my last window of hope and chance of leaving was closing.
I heard a shuffling on the stairs. My brain half listened as footsteps approached. I half expected to see one of the horrible invaders standing there ready to take my life. Ewan was the last person I expected to see. The look of pity on his face was almost enough to send me crying again. I had no idea of what I must have looked like, eyes red and swollen, dried tears staining my cheeks, but I could assume it was more repulsive than usual.
“Marina?” He asked as he knelt beside me. “I’m so very sorry.”
“I suppose it was inevitable,” I stated blankly.
“Marina, you can’t do anything for them, but there’s a ship that’s come to save us.”
“Come to save you maybe, there’s nothing left for me, here or anywhere.”
“Don’t talk like that.” He hesitated. “There’s bound to be enough room for anybody who shows up before they have to leave.” He tried to sound persuasive, but it was no use. The island only had ships big enough for two dozen people at best and I had had little doubt that the would be less than fifty waiting to get on board. The two dozen with the best offer would be the ones saved.
“I’m going to stay, if I’m lucky then maybe they wont kill me. Maybe they’ll see that I’m useful,” I said hopefully.
“Marina, please come with me.” The desperation in his voice shot through me like a dagger.
I shook my head defiantly and set my body tightly where it was. Ewan sighed, stood up and ran out of the room. A few seconds later, he returned carrying something clenched in his fist.
“Then at least take something to remember me by,” he said as he slipped the something over my head. “I wont forget you, I promise.” He turned and ran out of the room. I looked down to see a pendant hanging around my neck. It was fairly small and shaped like a clover and dangled form a long thin black chain. I slipped it off to admire the handiwork. It was beautiful, and looked as if the most perfect clover ever had been dipped into liquid silver. I was grateful for this small trinket and worried that I might be taken from me tucked it beneath my clothes, so it might not be noticed.
It took me a few minutes to realize that that had been the last time I would ever see Ewan, at least while we were both alive. And I had said nothing worth remembering. Not I’ll miss you, or I’ll be fine, or even I love you. I started to wish that he wouldn’t make it, that the ship wouldn’t be there or that he couldn’t gain safe passage, but as soon as I realized it I chided myself for thinking it. That’s not fair, I thought, he deserves to be saved just as much as anyone else.
That was when it started. As I got up to look at my parents, I heard the sounds of things breaking and indistinct shouting coming from outside. They’re here, I thought with horror. I ran to my room to throw on my clothes, grabbing some of the bigger items that I had not yet grown into. Just as I finished a large man came at me through the door. He was an older man, maybe mid-forties with a long beard and protruding belly. His face was badly scarred and discolored which gave him a nightmarish appearance. He grabbed me roughly and dragged me outside. He shoved me into a line of other Islanders and my hands were bound. None of the others looked at me though I tried to make eye contact with someone. I took my place beside them and looked down, not wanting to catch the eye of one of the invaders. We started moving up the road to the north as I looked behind me to the house I had grown up in, to the barn, to the field and pasture, and silently said goodbye to my childhood and everything I had come to hold dear.

Chapter One
I was born on this Island, and have spent my whole life here, at least, what can be considered a life. The Island was always very prosperous, with all its inhabitants leading full comfortable lives. None of us had ever been rich; we were all better suited to a simple life. The very first settlers came to the Island from the mainland many decades ago, seeking a new start free from the tyranny of the King. I am descended from one of the first families whose hardship paid off in the form of a solid civilization and freedom. While our independence came after many years relying on the mainland for the goods we could not produce ourselves, it did come. I was luckily born into a life free from any oppression, a situation that I always believed myself lucky for, and a situation I would come to regret.
A few years before I was born, a new couple moved to the Island a short way from where my parents lived. The man was very handsome: tall and lean and brown from working in the sun. The woman was extraordinarily beautiful, easily the most beautiful person to ever set foot on the Island. They were newly married though the beginnings of pregnancy showed on the woman and there was no doubt that once the child was born, she would be the most beautiful creature on the whole Island.
It was told that they cause a scandal on the mainland, that she was a daughter to a very wealthy and powerful merchant, who ran away with one of the merchant’s workers. After some time, word had reached us that the merchant had had his daughter declared dead. While the mainland had thought her dead, we thought her intelligent, for she had stole away with as many clothes and precious gems and jewelry as she could manage. My parents, being very good people, welcomed them graciously to the Island and helped them start their new life here and a strong friendship developed between the two couples. Several months after they arrived on the Island the couple gave birth to a beautiful baby boy who was as good-natured as any boy had ever been. My parents wanted a child of their own, but had had little luck in succeeding. The boy grew with both couples doting upon him, until I was born a few years later.
I was almost instantly the talk of the town; what the villagers called “perfect.” I had perfectly curled dark hair and piercing bright green eyes, perfect dainty hands and perfectly cute laugh. But I was only a toddler, how could anyone have possibly been able to guess that it wouldn’t last.
Because of the closeness of the adults, the boy, Ewan, and I, were together almost constantly. Together we grew learning from both sets of parents. When one of us got sick, the other would soon follow. Years passed in this fashion, the only time we spent apart was when either of us were doing chores or learning whatever we were taught. Ewan had an insatiable thirst for knowledge and spent many hours a day going from house to house learning anything and everything he could.
I enjoyed knowledge from a young age, but never developed a passion for anything, until I was old enough to look out the window by myself and saw the family horse, Henry, grazing in the pasture behind our house. He was the most magnificent creature I had ever laid eyes on and my undying devotion for horses began. I talked endlessly of horses of all kinds and sizes, determined to commit everything I could to memory. I journeyed through town with my mother on market days and inquired after every horse I saw. Before long, I was able to name the breed and color of any horse I saw. I learned that all the horses had originally come from the mainland but several families bred the vast population of horses on the Island.
When I was older, I became grateful, as did my parents, that I had found a passion in life that would serve me well as an adult, for the perfection of my being as a baby had slowly begun to fade. My hair straightened out awkwardly so that a few kinks of curl remained in the most unseemly places. My skin browned unevenly and blemishes burst out over my face. The only thing that didn’t grow wrong were my eyes. They remained the same crystal clear sea-green color that had earned me my name: Marina.
By the time I was nine, I could hardly be called pretty let alone beautiful. I was a prime example of the story of the ugly ducking, only in reverse. My parents had watched the slow change for years, but said nothing; they were convinced that it was only an awkward stage and that one-day it would pass. The villagers agreed and assured my parents that one day everyone would see a beautiful swan. I wasn’t rueful in the slightest, for what I lacked in looks, I made up for in intellect, determination and compassion. I excelled in all my lessons and could read and write better than any other children my age. And I had my horses.
On my tenth birthday, my father surprised me with a new horse. She was beautiful, a blood bay filly named Clover and she had a wild look in her eyes and was untrained. I loved her instantly and was happy have her, but strict conditions were attached. If I could tame the horse and learn to ride her well, the n I could keep her. If I failed, she would be sold. The first week I spent sleeping in the barn with her, so she could get used to me being around and trust me implicitly. Ewan came over often to watch me work with my filly, but never stayed very long because of the duties he had to attend to.
I had two friends that summer as I reached the pinnacle of my ugliness, Ewan and Clover, neither of whom seemed to mind the fact that I was not easy on the eyes. The gloriousness of the season was short lived and disaster struck as autumn fell.

So i've been spending pretty much the past week writing a short story. This is a story that i started back in June after i had a soulmate dream. The dream was so vivid and i just couldn't ignore it. A couple days after i had the dream i started writing. I picked up my writing notebook, turned to a blank page and just wrote. I never had a story spring straight from my head in perfect order. I wrote for a week straight and hand wrote prolly thirty pages of story. it sucked, but not as bad as i thought it would. While i was in the midst of writing euphoria, i talked with my mom. she suggested that it would be good for me to finish the story edit it and submit it to some writing contest. i knew that Witt did have publications for student authors, so i decided to finish the story and submit it, then in the future if i wanted to try and get ti published i could either keep it as a short story or lengthen it into a novel or novella.

so the past week ive been finishing the story and editing it down to manageable "short story length." which has now turned into a 30+ page story. there is no way that i can cut enough down to make it a more appropriate length for the Witt Review. So instead of submitting it, im just gonna finish it as a short story and post it in parts here. Since only like three or four people actually read this journal, i feel ok with posting it for you guys to read if you want to. i really only wrote it for me to being with, so i dont really care if it gets published or not. i know im not a great writer, but i think its a good story anyway. this first section will follow shortly.

Merry Christmas!

It's hard to believe it's only been a week since school ended for the semester and I find myself both dreading and anxiously awaiting the next (and final) one.

pretty good haul this year, although i am getting sick of not getting things that i want and getting things that I dont want. Now, before you get upset with me and insist that i am a spoiled only child, hear me out. While it is true that i get pretty much whatever i want/need (within reason), i do not ask for a lot. This year was relatively simple. I wanted:
- an iHome, or some generic equivalent
- an A/C adaptor so i can charge my iPod without my computer, but since most iHomes/generic equivalents do this, it really wasn't necessary
- a new pair of chucks (preferably brown)
- The Tales of Beedle the Bard
- Star Wars Force Unleashed for DS
- and an iTunes gift card

That was it, thats all i wanted for christmas. just those 6 (really 5) items for Christmas. Now this I is what I got:
- an iHome generic equivalent (which had a crack in the display and was leaking liquid crystal)
- a workout armband for my iPod (very cool)
- The Tales of Beedle the Bard
- Edgar Cayce's Guide to Gemstones, Minerals, Metals and More (Includes Energy Medicine and Vibrational Healing Basics.
- a $25 iTunes gift card
- a $50 Kohls gift card
- Across the Universe DVD
- The Secret DVD
- a mini Maglite flashlight (really dont know what they were thinking on this one)
- Brown Chucks
- and the complete illustrated movie companion for Twilight (which i already have)

The last two were from my aunt, uncle and cousins. My aunt and uncle (ie my mom's twin and her husband) are both doctors, they are loaded and rediculously thrifty when it comes to spending money on relatives. Now i understand and aprreciate that I got a lot of really good presents this year, but I fucking really wanted that videogame!!! UG!! I am super excited about the gemstone book and getting the Secret I cant wait to watch it!

Well tomorrow will be off to the store at some point, I need to exchange my iHome for a non broken one, get Force Unleashed and, the complete novels of Jane Austen.

Also, at some point I may have to go to the Doctor, I may have pneumonia. Fingers crossed!

So I'm awake....and have been since 12:30, yesterday, and since the only people who actually read this know me personally, then you how big of a deal it is that i actually pulled an all-nighter!

I've been working steadily on my project for Mums, and am so close to finishing.

I want to take the opportunity to thank the following people for their help in keeping me awake:

Molly- for giving me a wonderful first meal on this long journey
Brewer- for being up with me working on the same project in the house
Roomie- for keeping me company and making coffees
Wendy- for coming home when i was bored and entertaining me, offering food, trying to get food,( and ultimately failing)
and last but not least
Fall Out Boy- for providing the music that kept me going the whole time.

ok, im gonna finish now and go to exam, i shall sleep when i get back!

No, its not what you are thinking. and by the way, what are you thinking? Seriously, I'll give you a sec to think about it..... Done? Please tell me what you were thinking cause i bet it was super funny.

So i am a bad student, no i mean it, a really bad student. I have had all fugging semester to do my research project and have once again put the big project on the back-burner until the last minute. I am back at school so I can crank out this project basically this weekend so that its done on time. And my various adventures have been both good and bad.
The good:
-I got to play with rocks.
-I got away from my parents early.
-I am 95% sure i will be able to complete most of my project this weekend/week.
-I got to play with rocks!
-Hammer.

The bad:
-I had to leave my puppies early.
-I now smell like rock.
-I had to park in a maybe illegal parking spot instead of walking for an hour to get to my outcrop.
-I had to run back to my car -when i got a nasty feeling that it might have been towed -lugging about 10 lbs. of rock in a bag.

So now i have said rocks laid out on my floor and am proceeding to hit them to break them apart to look at the stuff on the inside. Hence the hammer. Sorry, they aren't geodes, so they aren't pretty but i can see all sorts of stuff that allows me to interpret the geology of the area.

You may be bored by now so let me finish by saying that if you want to look at the rocks with me and have me play smart-geology-student I would be happy to.

Edit: you may be curious as to my use of "fug" instead of "fuck." its a story i will tell you if you wish.

TTTWWWIIILIGHT! Twi-hi-hi-light was fantaaaaastic. OOOMMEEEEEEEE! Love, love, love, love, loved it!

Am I too good? Is goodness actually my vice and not my virtue? I realized that I just don't do anything for me. And I haven't for a very long while. I constantly give advice to people around me without asking for advice myself. Don't get me wrong I love to help.... Actually I hate it. I hate always being the person that you go to when you fuck up. I hate that I give up what I want so that you can have it. I want to be selfish, I want to say "Fuck you!! I'm not going to help. I'm going to sit here and do whatever I want. You fucked up, so you can fix it."

I want you to get over yourself, you are not the only important thing here. Boo hoo, so you're sad, so you're depressed, so you have lost all faith and don't believe in anything anymore. Well, stop fucking moping around and do something about it. Oh, he's ignoring you? Sorry, guess you just fucked it all up. No, I don't know how to fix it. Im not your fucking fairy-godmother. I can't wave my magic wand and make everything better again.

And I shouldn't have to. How the hell am I supposed to give you relationship advice, when I'm not even in one. Why do I have to like the boys that everyone likes? Why do I have to like the boys that never like me back? I am ready to pour my heart and soul into a relationship. I am. After four years of not being ready. I finally am. I can love you like no one has ever loved before. Just take a chance. I am perfect for you. Please realize it. I am not sorry for myself, I am me. And that's all I'll ever be. I just want my missing half.